You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
