Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Randomize
