Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
