My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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