I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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