I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
