Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
