this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
There are leaves in my underwear?
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