I can text with my tongue
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
The air was thick with penises
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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