i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
