you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
