FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
