yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
