I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
