Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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