the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
