ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
