First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
