probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
