His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
