This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
