I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Randomize
