How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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