so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
