It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
