I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
