Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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