gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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