my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
