I think im going to throw up on grandma
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
