if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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