just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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