My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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