Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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