Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
