the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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