Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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