I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
