I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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