I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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