on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
