Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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