Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
