That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
