I wish I could teleport
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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