everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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