I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
