I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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