We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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