They should really pass out barf bags in church
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
