I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
