Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
