My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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