party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
