For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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