Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
