Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
